Sometimes, and just sometimes, all that it’s been left behind when you decided to live your dream will simply pop up along the way and make you doubtful.
For a second, an hour, a week. As simple as that. You bump into a little tiny thing, a smell, a street sign, and old pic maybe, and the little fella will get you question your choices, your journey, even that dream itself that you are supposed to be living. That’s what you have been told, anyway, and by the sound of it it didn’t seem to leave any room for uncertainties. So why does it take so little to sneak a doubt into what should be a solid sound will?
Because it look simple. A lot simpler (even if at the time it was not simple at all) than these unsteady steps taken one after the other, day by day, each and every one of them after a lot of thinking and pondering and with your fingers crossed.
Therefore, it looks a lot smoother. Fancy a day trip? Train ticket booked. Fancy a walk?Let’s do it. Museum?Why not. Exploring an area in town where I have never been before? Ok, what’s the nearest tube?
Living the dream – or better, building the life you dream of- means that you will be doing that, and that only, for a considerable amount of time and this won’t always be as exciting and empowering as it might sounds. It means that you will be thinking, doing, researching about it, with none or very little time and (mostly) energy for anything else. And even if, you have to face a quite substantial financial change so you might need to cut a little bit off the leisure side for now.
This all results in a sort of “high tide”feeling that can be overwhelming and make you look back with a sigh. This has nothing to do with regretting the decision made, it’s just that very moment when your soul is feeling constrained and simply doesn’t like it, no matter that it’s for the better. I suppose this comes with every big decisions in life.
I sometimes miss the freedom of my settled life. I know this might sound as a paradox as a settled life is mostly associated with its burdens, limitations, boredom and regularity, vs the adventure, the unpredictable, the freedom. But it also gives you some real time off when it comes (and a little more money), proper time off where you happily forget about work, colleagues, issues…This is not happening now, and it won’t for a while.
The truth is -and it’s definitely nothing new- that the difference only lies in the purpose and the perspective. Every renouncement, sacrifice, every time I feel constrained and overwhelmed by this journey I put myself into, I repeat myself that:
- you made your bed…(see previous post about my own self-censurer side)
- it’s only temporary – at some point things will settle but I need to get there, it’s not happening overnight. Be patient and persevering. Stay focused. There will be time for enjoying life a little bit more and feel free again. But it’s not now.
- it’s for a better life and a better me. This is the most important of all. This keeps things into perspective and gives it a sense and a meaning. Nothing was used to kill me more than knowing that all my hard work was going to improve neither myself or my life, nor my friends and family nor the society at any level. Being a person who doesn’t value money as much and being my ex salary alright but not particularly exciting, I constantly had the feeling of draining myself for nothing. This is was among the main triggers for changing my life.
So, when living the dream throws its not so glamorous side in your face, all you can do is..shut up and dance. Trust yourself. Trust those so long thought decisions even when it feels like you threw yourself into a rolling mechanism that never stops and barely lets you breathe. Even when it feels like it’s just too much to handle. Because it is worthy and it will pay back, and I am a broad-shouldered idealist 🙂